


Hoggy Warts

by Kasena



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Enemies to Lovers, Epistolary, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Pre-Relationship, case fic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23187613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasena/pseuds/Kasena
Summary: There's a mystery afoot at Hogwarts. During an eighth year party, someone thought it was a great idea to let a literal hog run wild through Hogwarts. Draco has mysteriously been in bed since the party, and Harry is going to find out who did it. Whether Draco wants to help, or not.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76
Collections: A Very Drarry Valentine's Day Exchange





	Hoggy Warts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notealeft](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notealeft/gifts).



> Hey there dear, Happy late Valentine's exchange!

Malfoy,

Listen, we all know about it. Everyone knows about it. There’s no one in the castle at this point that doesn’t know about it. So you just need to own up to it at this point.

We all know it was you that let that pig into Hogwarts last night.

Everyone was a little drunk, and you were being a ferret-face, like normal, so if you come forward now with exactly how the fuck you did it, I’m willing to let it go. McGonagall is tearing everyone a new one, and it’s only a matter of time before she comes for you. May as well give yourself up now.

Harry Potter

✰

Potter,

Yes, we all know about the incident last night. However, I don’t know a damn thing about what you’re saying. Are you saying  _ I’m _ the one that let the hog in last night? Do realize how absolutely ridiculous you sound?

I would think it much more likely it was yourself that let in the hog. As you said, we all had a few drinks each, and that seems directly up the alley of you and your Gryffindor comrades.

Perhaps, if you want to spare everyone the terrible pain of a tongue-lashing from the Headmistress, you’ll do what you’re so good at and take the fall for everyone,  _ Golden Boy _ .

Don’t owl me again.

Draco Malfoy

✰

Harry,

Go easy on Draco. He’s been in bed all day. Pretty sure the lightweight had too much to drink last night. He looks like shit.

Blaise

✰

Draco,

Listen. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions a little bit here, but can you really blame me? This is absolutely some prank you would have pulled when we were younger just to piss me off.

If it wasn’t you, who did it? McGonagall is starting to threaten to give the entire 8th Year class detention for the rest of the year. If you’re looking forward to it as much as I am, you know we need to figure out whoever did it so we don’t all get punished for it.

You’re Draco fucking Malfoy. You have to know who did it. So then fess up. Was it Nott? I’ll bet it was. Fucking dick.  _ Stupid _ dick.

Harry

✰

Harry,

I don’t know who did it. In case you didn’t notice, I am a touch more lithe than most of our classmates. Therefore, the same amount of drink to give them a buzz has — quite a bit more of an effect on me than it does on them.

I wasn’t entirely in my right mind last night.

I can’t entirely recall the last time I did have my right mind.

All I can say with certainty is that I had heard Blaise earlier that day talking about big plans. I of course only thought he was referring to those two Gryffindors of yours — Thomas and Finnigan. 

You know those three are absolutely awful together? They’re the ones that planned that get together last night, after all.

Perhaps this will be your new mystery of the year, yes?

Draco Malfoy

✰

Draco,

Are we really only able to talk like real people in letters to each other? When we’re not looking each other in the face?

You really are a fucking lightweight, by the way. Blaise sent me a letter that you’re stuck in bed with a hangover. Why don’t you just go to Pomfrey about it? She probably wouldn’t say anything.

You really think it was Blaise and Dean and Seamus that did it?

Now that I think about it, that’s totally in character for them. I should have thought of that before. But I’d think they would want to take credit for that, wouldn’t they? That’s the type of people they are, after all. They would want to have their names all over something like that.

They haven’t owned up to it yet, at least. Who would even know where to get a hog? Who would even have the magic to be able to get it into the castle? Something is fishy about all of this. Get back to me with anything you turn up. You keep your ear to the ground a lot. I’m sure you’ll hear something about this.

Sincerely,

Harry

✰

Harry,

Yes, unfortunately it seems this  _ is _ the only way for us to talk properly. 

You see, your face stirs such emotion in me that it makes me want to do incredibly dangerous things. Like stomp on it again. But, seeing as I, unlike yourself, am a civilized person, I refrain from such forms of physical action, and limit myself to verbal sparring, which I’m certain everyone can agree I always take the win in.

And if I go to Pomfrey, not only will I get a lecture from her, I’ll run the risk of the Headmistress finding me and giving me the same treatment as everyone else. If I’m sick in bed, she can’t though.

I think it is something that those three would absolutely be involved in, though you do bring up good points as always. Perhaps they had a hand in it, but it wasn’t their idea entirely. Or perhaps it  _ was _ their idea, but they weren’t the ones to execute it.

Either way, there’s an unknown factor in this.

I can already hear you. ‘But Draco, clever and genius being that you are, how could you possibly say that with such certainty whilst I bow at your feet?’ It’s because, you moron. Pansy asked Blaise, and he said that it was someone else. Slytherins, in case you didn’t notice, rarely outright lie,  _ especially _ to one another. This means someone else was involved. So yes, I suppose I do keep my ear to the ground.

I’ll let you know if I hear anything else.

Schemingly Yours,

Draco

✰

Draco,

‘Schemingly Yours?’ Are you serious? You’re so fucking stupid.

I doubt that anyone except for your friends would agree with you on the ‘verbal sparring’ thing. Maybe I should just get Hermione to talk to you. More like her fist. You guys seemed to have a pretty good conversation last time, after all.

You deserve to get McGonagall jumping down your throat too you fucking prat. I’m pretty sure she already knows what you’re doing. She’s like a shark, you know. She can smell fear.

Good points as always?

And seriously? Moron? You big giant fucking prick.

I’ve told Hermione and Ron what you know, obviously. We’re all drawing up blanks. But then I look over at Hermione and she’s got that look in her eye like she’s got some kind of idea stirring up in her head. It looks a lot like that same look in your eye when you’re planning some of your usual bullshit.

Hope we find the fucker that did this. I mean, seriously? Letting a  _ hog _ run loose through the school? The whole play on words thing about a hog in Hogwarts isn’t lost on me, by the way. I just still think it was really stupid.

Sincerely,

Harry

✰

Harry,

You seem to have such an interest in my eyes. Maybe there was more reason than one why you always seemed to be staring at me in our younger years?

As for my friends being the only ones to side with me, I would disagree. In fact, Thomas and Finnigan were just by to speak with me, and they agreed that whenever the two of us had one of our verbal matches, I was often the one to come out on top. Ask them yourself if you so desire.

I could theoretically see one of the Hufflepuffs pulling this nonsense. Do you think it was an eighth year, or do you think it was someone in a lower year? That could broaden or narrow our pool of suspects, depending upon your answer. I’ve never held a fondness for Finch-Fletchley, is it possible for us to pin the blame on him? Then we would all get away, and he would be punished for being a dick anyway.

Though you do propose an excellent point. Whoever this was is clever, if not  _ smart. _ A hog in Hogwarts is a clever play on words, so I doubt it genuinely was him. He couldn’t use his wits to find his way around an empty room.

What are your thoughts on it? I mean the act of doing it. Do you think the person that did it is some hero? Some great comedic lord, then? Finnigan certainly seemed to be of that opinion when I spoke with him, great and utter brute that he is. 

I think whoever did it is lacking in the brains department, and doesn’t even have enough humor to make up for it.

I suppose, if they haven’t got any smarts, or jokes, that just leaves them to be attractive. That is how these things go, of course.

Give me some time to work off this theory. I may be able to give you a list of suspects.

Yours,

Draco

✰

Draco,

Dean and Seamus are both pricks and like to rile me up. I’m not listening to a damn word they have to say.

And yeah, what can I say. I paid a lot of attention to you when we were younger. Are you surprised when you were up to all sorts of crap? I had to know what you were up to.

Jesus, what do you have against Justin? He was in bed asleep while the rest of us partied, whoever did this, it definitely wasn’t him. It was someone that was at that party, and almost definitely someone that was totally drunk off their ass.

I think whoever did it was fucking stupid. It wasn’t smart or anything.

Is that how you put people into boxes? Whether they’re smart, funny, or attractive? That’s all people really are to you?

Jesus christ, no wonder you’re a fucking Slytherin.

Harry

✰

Harry,

You just don’t want to listen to them because they’re right, and they’re not agreeing with you.

What I have against him is the fact that he is a brainless imbecile that can’t see past his own prejudices — don’t even begin to try to comment on that — even after we’ve all been through a damn war. Do you know he and his cronies constantly harass Slytherin students in the halls? I’ll bet you turned a blind eye to all of it, Gryffindor that you are.

And no, I do not ‘put people into boxes.’ I observe and I take notes. Be serious. Yes, of course people are a mixture of the three, but the way it often breaks down is one of those three traits is their strength, and one is their weakness, while one is at an average level of development.

Take Granger, for example. Exemplary intelligence — don’t you dare breathe a word of that to her — and fairly average looks. Nothing special, and nothing traumatizing. But if you try to make a joke at her, she completely takes it at face value and doesn’t know that you’re making an attempt at humor.

It’s very basic to break people down like this once you figure out the formula. It’s how you can figure out if people are worth your time.

There’s laughter in the next dorm room over. Who would be laughing at a time like this? Male. Blaise? It sounds like him, and someone else I can’t identify.

Yours,

Draco

✰

Draco,

Are you serious? Justin and his friends have seriously been pulling that crap? After  _ everything _ we fought for?! What a bag of dicks!

I guess you do have a point about that… Alright. Fine, then. Where would you put me in your scale? You said it’s that easy to break people down. It must be hard for you to figure out which of those three is my weakest, huh?

Right before I got your last note, I saw Neville coming down the hall. But there’s no way it could be him, right? I mean, he’s  _ Neville. _ He never does anything like that.

I’m gonna ask him.

Yours,

Harry

✰

Harry,

Yes, completely serious. I’m surprised you genuinely never noticed.

I… am not sure how I could surmise your categorization to you honestly.

I highly doubt that it was Longbottom. He wouldn’t do something so absolutely reckless, even with his newly proclaimed ‘hero’ status. (Strength: looks. Average: smarts. Weakness: humor.)

Yours,

Draco

✰

Harry,

Why aren’t you sending a note back? It can’t be taking you that long to speak with Longbottom. I am  _ bedridden. _

Owl me.

Yours,

Draco

✰

Harry,

Alright, fine, I can’t pick, is that what you want me to say? Your smarts are probably your weakest, but it’s only an average, while your looks and your humor are both vying for the number one spot, is that what you wanted to hear?

Answer me you daft buffoon.

Yours,

Draco

✰

Draco,

It was Neville.

How about we go to Hogsmeade while you tell me more about this scale?

Yours,

Harry


End file.
